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Husband's Affair

My husband had an affair 30+ years ago with my best friend. I have just recently found out due to the fact that she is having an affair with my brother now & I just found out & was going to confront them both. My husband did not want me to learn of his indiscretion with her so he told me himself rather than have her tell me. Needless to say, I am devastated & having a difficult time moving forward. We are celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary this year & our children are throwing a lavish party for us. Honestly, my heart is not into it but I will not disappoint my children so I have made a conscious effort to be excited during the ongoing discussions. I had suspended them at the time of the affair & confronted them both & was told nothing was going on. They both say they were only intimate on two occasions & never were again. I know he loves me as he is a wonderful husband & father who always puts us before himself. How do I move on with this hanging over my head? This woman is still in our lives as we all belong to the same circle of long time friends. They never interact with each other that I can tell either. Any suggestions???

Linda, I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s affair. I haven’t dealt this this kind of issue before and have no idea what is the best course of action for you and your family. I just wanted to respond to you and let you know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers with whatever decision you make.

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. I found out due to some remarks made my friends. I told him either a lawyer or marriage counselor. He said counselor. That made me feel better as I knew he wanted to save the marriage. The marriage counselor helped me even though my husband wouldn't really talk to her. I realize we are human and we make mistakes. My husband made a mistake. We have a good marriage and a great son. He is no longer around the woman as I couldn't stand her being around us or him. She wouldn't look me in the eye or talk to me and no I was not hostile. She was feeling the guilt. We have all moved on and life is good. Yes I do still think about it but dwelling on it would eat me alive. It's done, it's over and it's in the past. He made a mistake, we all do. I really do think the marriage counselor helped me put things in perspective and to deal with it. We all make choices and I chose to stay with my husband. He loves us, he is a good provider and he is sorry...

I am so sorry to hear of this.  Even though it happened a long while ago, it's still hurtful I'm sure. You are faced with the fact that your marriage has had infidelity that you never even knew about.  I'm sure it brings up questions lots of questions.  You also have lost some trust in your husband and I'm sure you wonder if there has been more.  Honestly, it's really difficult to regain trust after something like this.  Have you thought of marriage counseling?  Or maybe there's a pastor you can both talk to about this?  You need to communicate with him how this has affected you, and tell him how you feel.  Just know that your happiness is more important and that your children would understand if you're not happy and you want to do something about it.  It's your life, it's your choice.  In my opinion, I wouldn't be able to live with someone after that but I have a hard time getting passed things.  Cheating is an unforgivable thing in my opinion, regardless of how much time went by.

Im so sorry Linda, that you are suffering something that happened so long ago for them but is fresh for you. If you can, try to think about what your marriage has meant to you all these years.  Has he been there for you,  has he been there for your kids?  Is he a friend and lover to you?  Is he the person you have been able to talk to about everything and the first person you want to tell things to?  Think about what a burden this was for him to hold onto all these years as well so that he wouldn't hurt you.  Sometimes it really is better not to know.  The fact that he told you himself before you found out another way tells me he is someone who cares for you and doesn't shirk responsibility.  Most men would lie or leave and your guy thought enough to spare you the drama of both of these actions.  Be sad, be mad, yell at him and when you get it all out, listen to him and make him listen to you.  If you feel like he understands how much he has hurt you, you can forgive him, your shared memories in tact and then you have the burden of working through your feelings on your own or with a therapist.  I am the wife of a man who cheated.  The pain of it never leaves me, but the good in our marriage far outweighs the pain and with forgiveness, we've grown stronger.  What's important is that if you forgive him, you cannot bring it up each time you both disagree.  If you find yourself doing that, you need some time and some therapy and maybe even therapy together.  Finding out the details of why when where are all going to be accompanied by further pain.  So be sure if you ask that you can handle the answers or don't ask them because again, sometimes it's better that you don't know.  It's so important that you also know, this is NOT your failing in any way at all.  You are beautiful enough, you are everything enough.   This failing was his and in no way reflects on you.  Your marriage can be as strong as you have always thought it was.  I remember feeling like a complete and total fool for putting all of my faith on my husband.  If this is a feeling you share with me, it is up to you to investigate with your therapist.  I agree you would need to suck it up for your kids and the party which may have you feeling isolated.  I'm glad you reached out to the forum, it's a good first step in helping you fell like yourself again.  My advice is to let him know how you feel,  that you're mad and question everything and that you think (if you do) that your marriage can survive this but that things will be very different.  Call some friends and go to lunch, start volunteering for a cause you admire, get a new hair cut or color, treat yourself to a massage or pedicure.  Build a life of your own that doesn't include him as the focus, but yourself.  That way, if you cannot make it work, you will not be isolated and you will have a support system in place and things that require you to show up.  Be good to yourself and k ow that I and others are pulling for your recovery.  Xo

Hi I am truly sorry for what you are having to go through. My husband had an affair. In fact he had a string of affairs that I slowly found out about. I chose to go through counseling myself. I gave home the option to go as well. But the one thing I would say is you need to make your decisions about your marriage and about your husband regardless of what your family thinks. The counseling allowed me to gain a clear voice for my feelings. I was able to be honest about how his actions made me feel. Also, the one thing that will be a great indicator of your husband's integrity is whether he is humble about this indescretion. If he just tries to write it off or doesn't see what the big deal is, that is an indication of a bigger issue. At this point your husband and supposed "friend" took away your choice to respond to their derespectful and irresponsible decision to have sex with each other. This is obviously only my opinion based on my experience. My husband and I were able to work things out with a counselor but I will say your marriage may never be the same. That is not to say, it isn't worth fighting for because mine was. I do hope you have the room and ability to figure this out for yourself. I will be praying for you.

 

Hi there Linda. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm trying to put myself in your situation and what I would do if it was my marriage. To me this would put a big strain on my relationship and of course trust issues will now develop. I would definitely be honest with your husband on how you are feeling and maybe this is a mistake that you cant forgive. But this man is your husband of 50 years, to me it seems like he has still been there for you and your family? If so perhaps it was truly a mistake and you can always consider counselling to gain your trust back and to get rid of this horrible feeling of betrayal behind you. I went to spirtual counselling with my husband for our communication between us and it helped greatly, perhaps couples therapy can help you decide what needs to happen in order to stay strong together.. Its always nice to have a proffesional opinion. This may take time to work out, Im sure it isnt easy at all. But if you know deep down that your husband really loves you and he regrets this , then maybe it will take time and you can heal through this together. If he has been there for you for 50 years he certainly loves you. We all make mistakes, some of them we can solve right away and some take time. I hope this might of helped you. I hope that you two can solve this, and I hope you find comfort at the forum. Im sorry this happened to you. I will pray for you.

I'm so sorry to hear about your husbands affair! I don't know how I would pull through! You are defiantly a warrior!

Quote from Wendy Naranjo on June 14, 2017, 10:51 am

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. I found out due to some remarks made my friends. I told him either a lawyer or marriage counselor. He said counselor. That made me feel better as I knew he wanted to save the marriage. The marriage counselor helped me even though my husband wouldn't really talk to her. I realize we are human and we make mistakes. My husband made a mistake. We have a good marriage and a great son. He is no longer around the woman as I couldn't stand her being around us or him. She wouldn't look me in the eye or talk to me and no I was not hostile. She was feeling the guilt. We have all moved on and life is good. Yes I do still think about it but dwelling on it would eat me alive. It's done, it's over and it's in the past. He made a mistake, we all do. I really do think the marriage counselor helped me put things in perspective and to deal with it. We all make choices and I chose to stay with my husband. He loves us, he is a good provider and he is sorry...