After a couple years of sending my girlfriend a clear message of, “We’re never getting married,” I proposed. There are reasons it took me so long to come around, but none of them fell into those magazine/sitcom stereotypes (which can be summed up as, “He’s having too much fun screwing around and doesn’t want to commit”).
In fact, I’m pretty sure that the people who write sitcoms and jewelry commercials and movies about bachelor parties don’t have any goddamned idea how actual human relationships work. So for the women who have been conditioned to believe that we men are afraid of commitment because we don’t want to give up our seat on the Saturday Night Fuck Train, allow me to give you the real reasons marriage scares guys.
We’re Flooded with Anti-Marriage Messages
I can’t name many comedians who haven’t made fun of marriage in a negative way. I think the most famous was Sam Kinison, who was in so many fucked up relationships, he made it his goal to “save” other men from it.
Now, given, Sam made the whole topic pretty goddamn funny, but then every comedian who has ever taken a stage decided to give their version, and before you knew it, the entire industry is saturated with, “You know what sucks about marriage?” No, what sucks about it, angry guy on a stage? Does the sex stop? I bet he’s going to tell us that the sex stops. While you’re at it, what’s your opinion of airplane food?
I’ve heard the joke about “fucking the same woman for the rest of your life” since before I knew what it meant. Oh, hey, look — here’s Vince Vaughn making the joke I’ve heard so many times, my reaction is considered a form of bulimia.
The point is that when you’re immersed in this message long enough, it’s easy to start believing it, yourself. And that message is everywhere. From the cliche sitcom best friend who freaks out when he hears that his buddy is engaged, to beloved comedians who are actually married, like Chris Rock, talking about how boring and sexless it is.
And that’s not to say that it isn’t funny. One of my favorite sketch shows, Mr. Show, pulled it off beautifully. But after a lifetime of standing in dead fish, it’s impossible to not absorb the smell.
This may not sound very logical to you, and that’s perfectly understandable. It barely makes sense to me, and I’m a dude. But it’s the no-magazine, no-bullshit truth. We’re afraid of marriage because we smell like dead fish.
Ridiculously Expensive, Lavish Weddings
Men aren’t totally disconnected from the idea of a wedding. We understand that it’s important for not only the couple, but for their families. Our marriage is linking two entire groups of people, and yes, they deserve to bear witness to that ceremony. We also understand that those invitations are more than just a piece of paper that says when and where it’s going to be held. It’s telling the person, “You are important enough to me that I want you involved in this celebration.” And to anyone who didn’t get one: “You are a fucking embarrassment, and we don’t want you anywhere near us on this day.” We get that, and we’re fine with it.
But every time we add another name to that list, we can hear our bank account go from a trickling, high-pitched squeal to that farting sound a balloon makes when you let it go without tying the end.
The average wedding in the United States costs $27,000. That’s not counting the honeymoon — that’s just the ceremony and the reception. That’s because in every movie, every TV show, every magazine, the message is very clear: A wedding has to be fancy to the point of evaporating an entire year’s salary. Even the most simple service shown in movies is something that in reality would cost five figures. It’s become a necessity. Just another part of getting married. The fact that “wedding planner” is an actual job is a testament to that.
Men, on the other hand, feel like failures if they can’t financially provide that type of a ceremony. But that’s understating what a double edged sword it is for us because on one hand, if you can’t afford to give her a wedding that makes her feel like royalty, you’re inadequate. But if you do pull it off, you’re now left with a debt on par with a brand new, zero-miles car — you’ve failed your new wife as a responsible provider.
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